Mixed Emotions.

I’ve never had such mixed feelings about a situation or person. There’s a boy who does something crazy to me. Well, he does two things crazy to me. Actually, if I really think about, there’s a third thing but I won’t go into those details. My emotions are at stake here along with my stability so I prefer not to digress.

He makes me happy and he takes care of me. He always greets me with a warm hug, a soft peck, his supple butter lips, or a deep kiss. I like kissing him but I love his hugs. His arms are like giant vines. When he sees me he swings them around and wraps me up so tightly. And he’s taller than me so he’ll bend down to my shoulder and let me rest my head on his. It’s so cute and this closeness fills me with such warmth. Whenever I look at him he returns my gaze with a smile or by pursing his lips. He gives me compliments. He takes me to fun places. In return, I give him myself. I share my thoughts with him and take him places too. He enjoys spending more money than I do, so I try to show him the ‘free’ things in life. Like the soft grass in a park or the energy of a city bus bench. Both places are perfect to sit, people watch, and smoke a cigarette.

On the other hand, he gives me doubt. I can’t find evidence but I feel suspicious he isn’t living up to his end of the deal we have as a committed couple. The real thing I need to answer is: Why do I feel like this? Let’s see…why do I feel like this? I’ve kept an eye on his text messages, e-mails and facebook postings. Sounds a bit obsessive, I know. Nothing peculiar seems to be going on, meaning no random texts or crazy numbers are coming in. Also, on facebook he isn’t adding many new friends. A few weeks ago we deleted our online dating accounts and I haven’t noticed him reactivate his. But I did find a link in his web browser to the M4M section on Craigslist. When I confronted him, he assured me it was his friend Bor who visited the site. Do I believe this? Yes, because Bor is the type of individual who would cruise online for action. At the same time, No. Sirhc is someone who also uses the internet to hook up and there are plenty of guys waiting for it online. Would he do this to me? Would he continue to search for play outside of our relationship?

Maybe the biggest reason I have doubt is because I don’t understand how sexual of a person he is. In some way, I feel like he’s a sex addict. There are times when we’ve had sex and he hasn’t reached orgasm. It’s happened with other people I’ve been with and I feel unattractive when I can’t make someone cum. But that’s usually a feeling I get over – just as soon as I get off. During the time when he didn’t ejaculate, it drove me crazy. I would feel disgusted and convince myself it was because he slept with someone earlier that day. If I ever brought it up, he’d assure me it was from the hair loss prevention medicine he was taking. Ugh, there’s an excuse at every corner and I don’t know what to believe.

The last guy I dated always gave excuses. Drove me crazy because it meant he wasn’t trying. This new guy is different though. For example, he recently stopped taking the hair loss medication. This made me very happy and when I asked him if he was noticing a difference in his sexual appetite, he said yes. SWEET!

One last thought as I close this message, maybe I’m a bit of a sex addict. I’m dedicated to making sure my partner, myself, and our relationship is sexually satisfied. But this doesn’t make me an addict; it makes me a good lover.

I don’t understand what intimacy means to him. Perhaps that’s what I should explore next.

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From Embarrassed to Tears to Laughing to Tears

Either way you look at it, there are tears.

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